Hey, She Blogs!

I honestly can’t remember the last time I wrote in such a free and relaxed manner.

You see, I used to be so passionate and thrilled about writing. Lying down on my bedroom floor, allowing my mind to drift and emotions to flow as I scribbled in my notebook made me feel at ease. I was not particularly fond of talking, so writing became my vehicle for expressing myself. I remember putting together this book for my mom entitled A Mother’s Day Treasure Hunt. It may not seem very special — just a short, 20 or so-page book with plain drawings and a rather predictable storyline — but to young me, it was a fresh way of saying “thank you” and “I love you.”

Writing allowed me to process my thoughts and feelings better — be it through a diary entry, a poem, or even a song.

I grew up listening to Taylor Swift, so you bet my lyrics were greatly influenced by her music. Even today, it is her way of vividly painting emotions and events that I continue to draw inspiration from. Writing was one of the many art forms that became my escape from reality while, at the same time, keeping me grounded in reality. I felt comfortable with creativity and vulnerability when it was only me, my notebook, and my pen. However, somewhere along the way, it started to become less exciting and more daunting. I continued to write but not as freely as I used to.

By the second year of college, writing started to feel more like a chore, and the fact that a single number determined the value of one’s work only made it worse.

In a way, it felt as if I was writing just to survive; that is, attempting to get 100s and 90s. I used to stare at my computer screen for hours trying to find the right words. Time seemed to slow down and simultaneously pass by so quickly as I pushed myself to reach a word count or a page quota. Don’t get me wrong, academic writing did equip me with quite a few essential skills; it basically forced my intellectual growth. However, I also developed this unnecessary stress and fear, which has caused me to overthink any and every piece I write.

My own mind would often switch to review mode in the middle of freewriting, bombarding me with questions such as “does this even make sense,” “am I phrasing this correctly,” and “what will they think of this.” Perhaps it was focusing on chasing certain grades rather than viewing each composition as an opportunity for growth, creativity, and expression, but for a moment, writing just did not feel like a warm blanket anymore, and my flames started to die down.

The months after graduation were the most confusing. I felt lost trying to settle into seats that were clearly not meant for me. I won’t go into much detail, but I was only putting on these hats out of desire to begin working.

I had no idea what I wanted to truly pursue, but one thing I knew for sure: I wanted to write.

Yet, something was pulling me against it. Specifically, I was filled with self-doubt when it came to opportunities that had “writer” in the title. Even so, I never did let go of the possibilities — and it’s a good thing I didn’t! As if by fate, I soon stumbled upon an opening at a publishing company I liked, and for the first time in years, I had a clear vision of my future career. Like a Raven Baxter psychic vision, I suddenly saw myself being part of that company. To put it into words, it was like an epiphany that eventually led to the creation of Hey, She Blogs!.

I have yet to actually apply for the position; nonetheless, I already am grateful to them for being the spark that reignited my passion. Through this blog, I hope to overcome the fears and insecurities that have been holding me back. I also hope to reclaim the pleasures of writing; although, by simply acknowledging this loss, I believe I have already gotten one step closer to it.

While it took longer than I had hoped, it was, to me, a much-needed period of self-rediscovery.

At least, one part of myself that I was rediscovering. If I knew right from the beginning what I wanted to pursue, I would not have experienced that aha moment, and I probably would not have known what it was like to actively work toward a dream. So, if you are currently feeling anxious, confused, and astray in the labyrinth that is life, just trust that it is part of your journey, and try to reassure yourself that you can and will get through it.

As the saying goes, we sometimes need to get lost in order to find ourselves, right?