I honestly can’t remember the last time I wrote something just for the sake of it.
You see, I used to be so passionate and thrilled about writing. Lying down on my bedroom floor, allowing my mind to drift and emotions to flow as I scribbled in my notebook put me at ease. I was not particularly fond of talking, so writing became my vehicle for expressing myself. I remember putting together this book for my mom entitled “A Mother’s Day Treasure Hunt.” It was a short, 20 or so-page book with plain drawings and a rather predictable storyline—nothing special if you ask present me, but to my younger version, it was a fresh way of saying “thank you” and “I love you.”
I grew up listening to Taylor Swift, so you bet my lyrics were greatly influenced by her music! Even today, it’s her way of vividly painting emotions and events that I continue to draw inspiration from. Writing was one of the many art forms that became my escape from reality while, at the same time, keeping me grounded in reality. I felt comfortable with creativity and vulnerability when it was only me, my notebook, and my pen. However, somewhere along the road, it started to become less exciting and more daunting. I continued to write but not as freely as I used to.
In a way, it felt as if I was writing just to survive; that is, attempting to score 1.0s to 2.0s. I used to stare at my computer screen for hours trying to find the right words. Time seemed to slow down and simultaneously pass by so quickly as I pushed myself to reach certain word counts and page quotas. Don’t get me wrong, academic writing did equip me with quite a few essential skills; it basically forced my intellectual growth. However, I also developed this unnecessary stress and fear, which has caused me to overthink any and every piece I now write.
My own mind often switched to review mode in the middle of freewriting, bombarding me with questions such as “does this even make sense,” “am I phrasing this correctly,” and “what will they think of this.” I was criticizing my work before I could even complete it. Perhaps I was focusing too much on chasing certain grades rather than viewing each composition as an opportunity for growth, creativity, and expression, but for a moment, writing just did not feel like a warm blanket anymore and my flames started to die down.
The months after graduation were especially confusing. I felt lost trying to settle into seats that were clearly not meant for me. I was only putting on these hats out of my desire to start working. Of course, I still performed well in these positions; however, none of them brought me genuine happiness.
Yet, something—or shall I say someone—kept pulling me against it: me. Every job search was accompanied by self-doubt. Was wanting it enough for me to actually deserve it? It’s been years since I last came up with a decent article, so naturally, I felt I was already running behind. I let so many writing opportunities fly by without a second thought, but I never did let go of the possibilities—and it’s a good thing I didn’t! As if by fate, I soon stumbled upon an opening at a publishing company I really liked, and for the first time in a long time, I had a clear vision of my future career. Like a Raven Baxter psychic moment, I suddenly saw myself being part of that company. It felt like an epiphany, which eventually led to the creation of hey, she blogs!.
I have yet to actually apply for the position; nonetheless, I already am grateful to them for being the spark that reignited my passion. Through this blog, I hope to overcome the fears and insecurities that have been holding me back. I also hope to reclaim the pleasures of writing; although, by simply acknowledging this loss, I believe I’ve already gotten one step closer to it.
At least, one part of myself that I was rediscovering. If I knew right from the beginning what I wanted to pursue, then I would not have experienced that aha moment, and I probably would not have known what it’s like to actively work towards a dream. So, if you are currently feeling anxious, confused, and astray in the labyrinth that is life, just take a moment to pause and breathe. Trust that it’s a natural part of one’s journey, and try to reassure yourself that you can and will get through it.
As the paradox goes, we sometimes need to get lost in order to find ourselves, right?